Takten i hennes steg växte större. Gatan var stor. Oändlig. Bilar passerade i märkbar fart, men i flickans kropp rörde allt sig så sakta. Varenda tanke. Varenda blick. Varenda andetag. Det enda som florerade var hennes tvivel. Staden var fylld av skyltar. Riktningar. Gator Men ingen riktig väg. Ingenstans att finnas.
Någonstans mellan hennes känslor och mellan deras hat så reste hon sig upp. Hennes rygg kunde känna av tyngden, men trotsade kraften och tog sig ut. Ut genom klassrummet. Ut genom de mörka korridorerna. Bara ut. Där ute fanns det parker, gator. Staden var helt annan på morgonen. På morgonen då inget ännu hunnit hända.
Så därför stod hon där, orkeslös men tvivlande. Vid bilarna, vid vägarna. Människor som såg viktiga ut gick förbi henne med stora pappmuggar fyllda av koffein. Sådant som "viktiga människor ska dricka. När de swischade förbi henne så blev allt så märkbart. Hennes korta kropp gömde sig i skuggan av deras trenchcoats och dyra sjalar. Vilken väg hade de valt?
Men hon fortsatte gå. Hon behövde en riktning. En riktning förbi alla gränder. I alla gränder där de vilseledda var. I gränderna där saker gått i fel riktning.
2000 Light-Years of Darkness, del 3
It was freezing cold. That place Li had in her heart was temporary closed. She knew she was supposed to walk home, so she stumbled up from the rock she's been resting her back at. The first few steps were heave and she managed to get through the big pond of trees and leaves.
Finally she saw some city lights sine a few steps away. She would soon be home. Home to tell the world, or at least her mother.
They'd been worried of coure. She wasn't that very late though but coming home with dirty clothes and leaves in your hair past dinnertime wasn't a big hit.
Li took a deep breath, stared into her parents eyes and let it all out.
Everything. Every comment, every shoving and even about the rumours. It probably looked weird - two big-eyed parents sitting there with open mouths just staring at their terrified daughter. Until she got a hug.
Li felt a tiny little shatter inside being glued together with the remains of her heart.
1999 more to go.
2000 Light-Years of Darkness, del 2
As time passed by she was suddenly sitting in the corridor again. Waiting for the next lesson to start, there were 30 minutes left. Li had no paper left to doodle on and she found herself sitting in the corridor observing people with lives pass by her as if she was some kind of toxic gas.
She was actuallly enjoying sitting there until they came. The tough part of them, not the ones staring into mirrors all day. It was the boy-part of the group. Li saw them walking far away in the corridor, aware of who they were looking for.
It was supposed to happen, in one way or another, decided - like in a movie.
But that didn't mean that it was fair. And it happened fast.
"Look at her!" they'd laughed. Li soon had found herself escaping into the forest right outside the school courtyard. Feeling those eyes burning in her back and chasing her over rocks and roots. It was a miracle that she didn't fall. What would have happened then?
Li jumped into a hidden place behind a huge rock, lost her breath and hopes for the best. Suddenly the sound of the chasing people's feet disappeared.
That was when the tears came, finally. She wanted to forget what they'd said. So badly.
But the words came back, playing on reverse - smashing her in the head... and heart. She was nobody, or well, she was "her" - that inappropriate girl. That allowed them to use her, to get stronger. For no particular reason at all.
Her feet hurt. She rested her back against the rock and tried to breathe.
There she sat for a time, didn't know how long though. She had to tell someone about everything.
It had to burst out or else it would eat her alive.
Skriven av mig.
2000 Light-Years of Darkness, del 1
Those cold eyes. Those cold, determined and neglecting eyes. Again and again.
Drilling into your skin and finding thst tiny fragile little thing in you called heart.
Destroying it, over and over.
Li forced her body to walk closer to the walls and moved on to the last lesson. She would soon be home.
Early as always she sat down in the corridor, avoiding eye contact with them - that clan of good people. Deciding wether or not you're worth being accepted. Li was not accepted, ever since she started at the school people there had withdrawn from her. For nothing. The only thing they gave her back were rumours, smashed in her face. Li was the black sheep, though very innocent.
Avoiding eye contact with them was the only way she could maybe save a tiny bit of that heart, a shatter.
Finally home. Li turned on the old record player that she had inherited from her grandfather. Playing right now was an old Ella Fitzgerald record that she'd bought from a second-hand store. She had always loved second-hand stores - the smell, the feeling. Disappearing into them.
The melodies from the speakers danced, sweeping around Li and embracing her, holding her tight and carefully transporting her to that world in her heart that wasn't destroyed. It was far away and protected. 2000 light-years away from this world. Between those worlds there was only darkness. Also memories from the past. You had to re-experience some of them to live free and careless in that place.
Without thinking she had changes the records - turning off the vinyl player and determingly gotten a CD-player rolling. Soon the intro of the song It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane gripped her. Li lost it, something. That transparent shield around your brain making you do what you're supposed to do.
Li didn't want that. She wanted something else.
She lay on her bed that dark autumn afternoon and fell asleep.
There was a familiar and loud sound of a door opening and she woke up. Standing in her doorway was her mother, smiling.
The night passed by - time to sleep again. The only concern was waking up. School again.
The path that Li walked to school on every morning had gotten covered by orange and yellow leaves, everything else was grey. Every step she took was heavy and unsteady, anxious thoughts whirled around in her head. But she had to get there, she had to meet those walls again.
Skriven av mig.